You don’t have to be unhappy to want to be happier.
You don’t have to be exhausted to want to rest more.
You don’t have to hit rock bottom to want to make changes in your life.
You don’t have to accept overwhelm in order to be a good mom.
You don’t have to put your desires on the back burner in order to be a generous and giving person.
You don’t have to make big changes in order to see big changes in your life.
You don’t have to live out all your dreams in order to live a dreamy life.
You don’t have to beat yourself up with tough love in order to motivate yourself.
You don’t have to feel guilty to want time alone.
You don’t have to be fearless in order to fear less and still do scary, hard things.
You don’t have to criticize your body to want to take better care of your body.
You don’t have to stop “doing” to want to slow down.
You don’t have to make drastic changes to want to live differently.
You don’t have to say yes in order to please people.
You don’t have to change who you are in order to be loved.
You don’t have to express anger to want to be heard.
You don’t have to be religious to want a deep, soulful connection with Spirit.
You don’t have to complete your to-do list in order to enjoy your life, here and now.
You don’t have to work hard in order to play hard.
You don’t have to feel “less than” to want to be more.
You don’t have to accept unkindess in order to be kind.
You don’t have to hate yourself in order to hold yourself accountable.
You don’t have to dim your light so other’s can shine theirs.
You don’t have to be someone you’re not to want to be everything to everyone.
You don’t have to pretend everything is fine in order to make others feel comfortable.
You don’t have to limit your own potential in order to fit into someone else’s idea of your life.
But here’s what I believe: you do have to know yourself, accept yourself and love yourself in order to live your most authentic and fulfilling life!
- Know yourself. Know your self. Know what your heart desires and what lights up your soul. Know what your body wants to fuel your precious life energy.
- Accept yourself with deep and loving compassion for the wildly messy, perfectly imperfect human you are.
- Love yourself. Treat yourself with kindness, respect and grace, always.
When you have all these three things, you have everything. You have self-awareness (body, mind and soul), you have compassion for yourself, and you treat yourself with kindness, respect, and love (like you would your own child or dearest friend).
When we love ourselves like this, life becomes easier, happier, and much more fulfilling.
Why? Because we no longer become the punching bag when things don’t work out as planned. We no longer blame ourselves for the “mess” around us. We stop making everyone else’s baggage mean that we are somehow inferior or failures or not good enough. Hell, we stop making our own baggage mean we’ll never be good enough.
Because you are good enough. We all are. Right here, right now. In this very moment. Full stop. Stop doubting it.
When we really take the time to know ourselves and develop enough self-awareness and skills to help us understand what triggers us into becoming screaming, impatient, angry monsters, we’re able to tap into a well of CALM and PERSPECTIVE.
Do not underestimate these two superpowers!
We know how to check in with our most authentic selves to get clear on what the hell just happened and then move forward with actionable tools to either solve or resolve the issue, all from a place of reflective and intentional dialogue. Can you imagine how good this feels and the impact this has on ALL your relationships, including the one with yourself?
When we give ourselves the compassion and space to fuck up and make mistakes, we give ourselves permission to not be perfect. Why? BECAUSE WE ARE HUMAN. What a relief!
And finally, when we really show ourselves LOVE…you know, the kind we so easily bestow upon our loved ones…we become worthy, good enough, and whole.
Our worth no longer depends on someone else’s idea/impression/judgment. Our worth comes from within.
Our value, for simply existing, becomes enough. Our messy, glorious lives become our everything and we become whole within ourselves when we fall in love with ourselves.
So I invite you to pause. Take a moment to consider how you could know, accept and love yourself more…starting today.
Make a decision today to make the investment of time, money or whatever way feels right to you.
- Write out what it would feel like to know yourself deeply and have tools to help you focus and stay on track with what’s most important to you, every single day.
- Explore what it would feel like to treat yourself and all your “flaws” with compassion instead of negative self-talk.
- What would it feel like to show-up for yourself with the kind of love and care you would give a dear friend when she’s going through a challenging time?
And finally, let yourself imagine what it would FEEL like to treat yourself NO MATTER WHAT with kindness, respect, and grace. How would your daily life change, your daily habits, change if you were to say kind things to yourself instead of disrespectful things?
For me, I feel lighter in my gut, happier and more energized in my step, less cranky (than before when I allowed the negative thought to drag me down) and a whole lot kinder and patient with my family too.
When you invest in our own well-being, you actually invest in the well-being of your loved ones!
Now that feels like a win-win!
If you need ideas or support about how to do this, email me at email@example.com. I’d love to explore it together.
I wrote this text in May 2014. I have left it unedited and as raw as it was originally written (save for some aesthetic touches which are important to the eye). It explains my journey to how I came to coaching. Even though it’s only been 3.5 years since I wrote these words, I have grown and changed so much since then. The journey of entrepreneurship and coaching will do that to someone (HA, understatement of the year!). And yet, I still very much see myself, the good ole’ ordinary me. Every last bit of my extraordinarily ordinary self, so open, ready and earnest. I do love her.
All I want is an “ordinary” life…an extraordinarily beautiful, inspiring, joyful, exciting, fun, awesome, meaningful, loving, and happy life. And with this ordinary life of mine, I want to help people live their own extraordinarily “ordinary” lives too.
I believe that life is simple. It is made up of a thousand different moments, day after day after day that then turn into year after year after year. And these moments tend to be the most ordinary things…the sound of your toddler’s feet pitter-pattering down the hallway; sipping your morning coffee; having dinner with friends; going for an ice cream on a hot, summer day; reading the paper; taking a shower; preparing for a trip; getting ready for work; lounging in bed…whatever ordinary looks like in your life.
But here’s the thing, THESE MOMENTS ARE WHAT MAKE OUR LIVES EXTRAORDINARY when your life is your own creation. When you live from a place of authenticity, you are clearer about what makes your life feel extraordinary. YOU get to decide what feels like fun, what tastes delicious, what you need, what you want, how you want to spend your days, hours, minutes. Your life becomes extraordinary because you realize that you have the power, brilliance and capabilities to make your life and soul shine from within.
You see… here’s my truth. I believe that life is magical and we become awakened to this magic when our soul’s mission finally comes into full clarity. I believe the universe really does conspire to help us live our best lives when we take those leaps of faith as we listen to the whispering of our soul’s yearnings and start putting what we truly want from life into action. I believe that life is messy, complicated and wonderful, all at the same time. Life is unfair, it hurts, it SUCKS sometimes, but it is so damn beautiful that it can take our breath away.
And I believe from the depths of my soul that when we choose to create the lives we deeply yearn for, we make the world a better place. When we share our authentic selves, from a place of full vulnerability, courage, fear and love, we ignite the same desire in others and then the world slowly becomes lit-up from within, with people going about their ordinary lives from places of extraordinary brilliance…we’re all just trying to do our thing, our way and be respected and loved and accepted for who we are and what we have to offer.
Step out of your own shadow and into your brilliant light, I say!
My search for authenticity
I would like to say that my quest for authenticity began young, as I am now able to reflect back on my rebellious youth from a compassionate perspective. I tried desperately to be heard, loved and appreciated, but adolescent angst, insecurity and the deep need to “belong” yet “stand apart” certainly muddied my waters for a few years. Some might say that I looked for acceptance in the wrong places, with the wrong people, through the wrong actions. Maybe. Maybe not.
The turning point in my search for authenticity came on an ordinary day as I sat in front of the man I thought I would one day marry after I had asked him how he saw his life five years down the road. (I was always a dreamer and lover of these deep and meaningful questions!)
What were some of his dreams? What did he yearn for in his life?
BUT…he was unable to answer.
HE WAS UNABLE TO ANSWER!
Nothing came out.
Not. One. Dream. Not. One. Idea. Nothing.
He was unable to answer…and my soul whispered, rather loudly, “Ok girl, this is NOT feeling good. I think it may be time to get moving and living and start dreaming about a different kind of a life.” And I did pretty quickly after that. After 6 years together, I moved away to start living my dream and we slowly fell apart a few months later. (Suffice it to say, there were lots of other issues going on here, but this was my incredibly defined and memorable tipping point.)
The next pivotal moment on my journey came while I was traveling around the world on an 8-month backpacking trip with my sister. (BEST TIME EVER, BTW!) I met a man in New Zealand, who I consider my spiritual soul mate, who taught me very simply how to be still and then “follow my heart, be true to myself”. Something clicked inside my soul when I heard this incredibly simple yet deeply profound statement and it propelled me into a new way of being in the world. I have embodied this mantra every since (and I liked it so much that I actually got it tattooed on my leg in Chinese characters while in Thailand during our travels, much to the horror of my poor parents!) And as soon as I started to live this way, my life changed in miraculous ways.
Newly single and loving every minute of it, BAM!, I met the man who would become my husband while traveling in the Greek islands and yes, it was as romantic as you can imagine; moved to Montréal with my man and found a “perfect” Master’s program where I was able to write my Master’s thesis while doing actual academic research on authenticity, needless to say I was in HEAVEN! (The abstract can be found here for those interested: http://philpapers.org/rec/BOSLTG).
And then I continued on my path towards living my full and lovely life, which slowly filled up with a dog, friends, family, work, trips, homes, renovations, children, yada, yada, yada. It wasn’t always pretty or easy or fun, as I had some very hard times in between but it was my lovely little life. Until…another pivotal moment arrived, and then another and another…until I could no longer look away and ignore the whispers of my soul.
Holy Moly!! Did September just knock you out like it did me?
It started off with so much energy! I was PUMPED about launching my new program, getting back into my groove with the kiddos back in school and doing my thing! 😉
But to be totally transparent, by the end of the month I had a sore throat and a cold on the way, the remnants of which are STILL lingering. And I was exhausted! Like deeply, deeply tired.
And this is where things get interesting…
I am working with a business coach (because we all need support, accountability and help to make our dreams come true!) and as part of my work with her I declare my intentions for the week on every Monday. It’s a powerful activity that keeps me focused on my goals and intentions (duh). Anyway, I let her know a few weeks back that I was feeling “like I’m running on fumes and my intention is to rest”.
I felt courageous and proud that I was giving myself permission to REST. Yay me!
Except, here’s the kicker. I didn’t rest. Because you know what I realized?
I’m a Fake Rester. YES, a FAKE RESTER.
I think I know how to rest and I like to convince myself that I allow for rest, but I actually rarely ever really rest. As in deeply rest and do nothing.
Can you relate? Are you able to just sit and do nothing?
Because up until a few weeks ago, resting for me meant:
- laying down while doing a guided meditation
- relaxing in my living room while reading
- baking while listening to a podcast
- sipping a glass of wine while browsing Facebook
- going for a walk (!)
You see, I realized there is a HUGE difference between doing something restful/not feeling “busy” and actually resting.
In fact, turns out I have a lot of old beliefs and judgments about people who rest (as in lay down, close their eyes and take a little snooze in the middle of the day). Even if it’s just for 2 minutes.
Here are some of my default thoughts that come up when my husband says he’s going to lay down for a few minutes and close his eyes (warning, they are not nice):
“Wow, must be nice to feel like you can just lay down… in the MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING DAY!”
“Huh, look at that, he thinks he can just LAY DOWN? Who does he think he is?!”
“So it looks like I’ll be the one to do ____________ (fill in the blank) and all the other shit that needs to get done around here!”
And it goes on and on and on, if I let it. Does this sound familiar? Do you have similar thoughts?
But thanks to the awareness I have about my own thoughts, I am able to catch myself pretty quickly when these snarky judgments pop up. Because I actually truly believe that resting is essential to our well-being.
So why don’t I do it? HA HA HA! Great question.
Well, the thing is I really thought I was resting when I was slowing my pace down, minimizing my distractions and activities and doing things that felt “restful”.
And, there’s more. (Man, it’s hard to be honest!)
When I’m really honest, it’s because I carry around, deep inside my brain, the belief that there is always something to do and that “resting” is for lazy people. Yikes, I said it!
Carrying this limiting belief around let’s me relax just enough so I am still doing something. Because when I am doing, I am being productive, active and engaged. And those are good things to be, right? Who wants to be lazy? Oh, god forbid anyone be perceived as lazy or unproductive!
So where does this leave me? You? Us?
Since this horrifying but enlightening discovery about myself being a Fake Rester (seriously, I was so shocked to learn this about myself, although when I brought my realization to my husband and sister they both gave me the “Well, duh” look! Oops, sometimes our loved ones know us better than we know ourselves!)…I am whole-heartedly embracing the practice of resting.
I am letting myself be a beginner at this too, because we all have to start where we’re at, right?
My morning routine still sees me getting up before everyone else, but instead of jumping into doing my meditation, gratitude practice, and journaling, I now set the timer for at least 5 min and just sit there. Doing nothing. Resting. Nowhere to go, nothing TO DO, except sit and be.
So far, it feels delicious, comforting, and indulgent and very much like I am taking good care of my body, mind and soul. And, HAHAHA, I have more energy. Gee, what a shock! 🙂
I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on this! How do you rest? Do you allow yourself to rest or are you also a Fake Rester? It’s ok, we can help each other out!
More and more, I feel drawn to living a life built upon PLEASURE. And while doing and being in action is so important to and for our lives (I am a go-getter!), so is stillness, rest, quiet and nourishing ourselves deeply.
It’s the in-between that calls to me…that sweet spot between productivity and pleasure.
My new mantra (discovered with my coach) is My pleasure IS productive.
How freaking juicy is that? It’s worth repeating.
My pleasure IS productive. I invite you to find your pleasure. And rest if you need to.
PS. isn’ it cool to learn more about ourselves? I love this process and discovery. It is endlessly fascinating.
Real. What does it mean to be real?
In the last few days I’ve been seriously triggered by some comments I’ve heard and some observations I’ve made. So I slowed down to dig in to what exactly was feeling so icky to me.
I watched an amusing video the other day about men being photoshopped like women. I watched it twice actually, the second time with my kids. Aside from the obvious reason to be pissed off about the premise behind the video, I was especially triggered by the following statement, “We all want to look like the best version of ourselves.” I paused.
We all want to look like the best version of ourselves.
I mean, seriously, who can disagree with this? I can’t. I love when I see a photo of myself that somehow doesn’t show my eye bags too much.
But… why is our “best” version not our real one?
What are we actually saying to ourselves when we say, “Oh, I prefer the shinier, prettier, sparklier, tightened up and tucked in, unblemished version?”
What the actual Fu*k?
No wonder so many of us feels less than and not good enough!
How did we get to this point that being our best selves somehow means something other than being our real selves?
Seriously. PLEASE take a moment to think about this. Since when is being real, as in 100% really YOU, not good enough? And who decides this anyway!?
As a mother, and I am sure you’ll all agree, I am sickened that my girls are growing up in a culture that promotes and encourages this distorted way of thinking about what it means to be our best selves.
Watching the Emmys the other night (to cheer on Montréal’s own Jean-Marc Vallée and Big Little Lies), I was at first saddened by the faces of Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin and Dolly Parton. They are almost 80 years old and look “amazing”. And all I could find online about their plastic faces (as I searched for something to share with you all) was praise for how “amazing” they look for their age.
Yup, they do look a lot younger than most 80 years olds I know. Is that what it means to look “amazing” at 80; that you look younger than you are?
And in full transparency, I am not immune to this myself. I posted a pic of myself on FB last week and a friend (she’s probably reading this right now!), commented that I looked like I was in my 20s. And I immediately very happy! Yay for me, the 43 year old who looks 20 in that pic! Trust me, I am just as caught up in the “looking younger” as everyone else.
So back to my original question, what is real? My thoughts:
Real is messy and painful and glorious and triumphant. Real is mistakes made, judgments passed and apologies accepted. Real is struggling with your age, weight, height, face and doing something about it. Real is acceptance of what you cannot change. Real is passion, confusion and struggling to make ends meet. Real is children playing in the school yard, while parents check their Instagram. Real is hurricanes, earthquakes and the destruction they leave in their wake. Real is the red lipstick I wear for a pop of color on my face. Real is at once the truth we speak, and the lies we tell.
The human experience is real. Including plastic faces, filtered photos and all the other “fake” images and news that comes our way. The human experience is BIG enough to contain it all. And I accept that now.
But where does this leave us? If everything is real, than nothing is real. Right? Maybe not.
Being real, as in unmasked and uncovered and raw, takes fucking courage! Being real means loving yourself…really and truly loving yourself, including your own freaked out mind, your insecurities and the darker shadows of your soul.
Being real means not needing the approval of others because you already deeply approve of yourself, the unfiltered, messy, imperfectly perfect you. Being real is compassion for self.
So in summary, if your real self is all of these things and you also happen to love plastic surgery…well, ok then. You’re doing it for YOU, not because you feel like you have to because your real version isn’t good enough.
Here’s what I know for sure: our REAL selves deserve to be cared for, tended to, and loved. Our real selves are more than good enough. Our blemished and bumpy faces, bodies and lives ARE the best we have because they are ours to hold dear and cherish! There is so much pressure for our real selves to stay hidden and neatly tucked away. So we have to be fierce about keepin’ it real. We have to be brave and bold and honest and vulnerable. On our own. With our children. With each other. Every single day.
I’ve got your back. We’re in this together. Will you join me?
A paradox* is defined as a seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement or proposition that when investigated or explained may prove to be well founded or true.
Here’s what I want us all to know. Our contradictions not only help make us super interesting but when we give them space to live and we give ourselves the permission to want what we want, we become whole.
And when we’re whole, we live more meaningful, purposeful and fulfilled lives.
I have had an office outside our home since Dec 2015. Saying YES to getting my own office was a dream come true. It’s the tiniest, coziest, prettiest office with very affordable rent, and it’s a 5-minute walk from my house. I am in love with it.
My initial desire to work outside the home surprised me, as part of why I left my previous career was to be home more, not less. But sure enough, I pretty quickly had a growing and hungry desire to have my own sacred space somewhere else (far from my family, my husband who works at home, and all the other distractions that home holds). I craved a space that no one could touch and that was mine all mine (read: little fingers and “Oh, can I borrow this cool pen and stapler and file folder and…?”)
So I jumped in, rented a spot, and 2016 was my first year in my office. And it was an awesome year. I saw clients there, I meditated there, and I saw my dream of being a working coach come to life there. And by giving myself what I really wanted, I felt so empowered!
Until something shifted late 2016…
I needed space, again. But a different kind of space than before. Rather than a desire to be out and away from home experiencing something new, I craved a space that was familiar and comforting and would feel like a warm hug. And I really wanted to be with my dog. I needed to be with my dog, at home.
So this last winter saw me home, a lot. Working, digging deep into myself, working on my Pillars of Genius. Some days I would say, “Ok, today I’ll go to my office.” Only to never go. Sometimes I felt defeated and like something was wrong with me. Other days, I was ok with giving myself the permission to stay home.
But what bothered me was that I could not figure out my resistance to going to my little office, something I had been deeply excited about only a year before. I got coached about my feelings and while I found some clarity, there was still a part of this whole situation that felt unknown, unsettled, still to be determined. I wanted to want to go. But when I was honest with myself, I just didn’t want to. So I stayed home and weeks would go by as my office sat still and ignored.
Here I was, paying for a space I was hardly, if ever, using. What a waste of money, I know! But as much as something was holding me back from going, something was also holding me back from releasing it when it came time for my lease renewal in May 2017.
And that something is what I like to call Paradox: the tension between two seemingly contradictory desires or realities or situations, especially when you can’t make sense of it.
My paradox was this: wanting an office away from my home AND wanting to stay home to work.
Huh. Now what?
Well, I did what any good coach does and I got quiet. I went inward. I sat still. I listened to my soul. I asked the advice of some friends and talked at length with my husband, François. And the answer came in a whisper, one I could barely hear, but it was loud enough to trust it.
The messages I got from my intuition were “big things are coming and you need this space away from home… for yourself, for your work, your mission, and even your sanity as an entrepreneurial mom.” Now was NOT the time to let it go. I signed my lease for another year and said to myself “Let’s just see what happens”, even though I still wasn’t sure what this all meant.
Flash forward to recently. Remember that something I couldn’t quite identify that kept me in the tension of paradox? Wanting two supposedly contradictory things?
I figured out why I felt so guilty, confused and unclear. Because what I want is not actually contradictory, even though I thought it was. What I want actually makes perfect sense! An office space, outside the home, to go to part-time, AND an office space at home.How simple! And yet I had convinced myself that I could not possibly have both.
Why, you might ask, would I do such a thing? Well, in my mind, I had put limits on what was possible for myself. If I rent an office space, clearly I need to be there all the time. And the flip side is, if I have a home office then why would I need to rent an office space? Pretty black and white thinking.
But the beauty of paradoxes is that they don’t always have to be contradictory. In fact, they can be complementary, which I know goes against the very definition of what a paradox supposedly is, but I think the distinction I am making is important. Perhaps they are two sides of the same coin. Two sides of the same face. Two desires that can live inside one person. Who says they have to contradict each other and therefore be impossible to contain in one space, together?
The tension found within a paradox can actually help us define what we want and who we are, and the end result is wholeness. We become whole in embracing our paradoxes.
For me, the desire to have a sacred and lovely office space outside my home while also having the desire to have a space within my home is owning my whole self. The part of me that wants my freedom, independence, need for my own private space AND the part of me that wants to stay home with my dog and sip my tea and do laundry in between emails and be home when my kids come in the door. Who says I can’t have both? Who says I can’t have TWO offices?
Unfortunately, I did.
There are so many boxes society tries to put us in; so many ways we are being asked to play small and to fit in. So many ways and reasons we find to deny ourselves our true desires. We all have paradoxes that live in us. Desires and dreams that we convince ourselves are unattainable or too far out there or just not possible. We often hear, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”. WTF kind of comment is that anyway? You can be damn sure if I order cake that I am going to fucking eat it!
I wanted both options for myself, I just had to give myself permission to want what I wanted.
So I say, HELL YES, you can have whatever the hell you want! If you want an office outside the home AND one at home, go for it! Embracing the paradoxes that live in each of us, helps us live whole and reconnected lives. When we deny all of ourselves, we become disconnected and ultimately broken. Our light dims. Our smiles fade and we become shadows of who we are meant to be.
If you want to rock an AC/DC t-shirt one day and then pearls with a Lilly Pulitzer dress the next day, you go girl! Do it. If you want to eat only veggies one day and then stuff your face with a burger the next, go for it. Or, maybe you love listening to super loud music when you’re in the mood for a dance party but you’re also hypersensitive to certain sounds (like me, again), and need to listen to the TV with the remote in your hand (in case it gets too loud and uncomfortable) or you cover your ears at the sound of sirens. (BTW, this is called self-care and knowing this about myself helps me live an easier, happier life.)
The point is, be ALL of you. Own it. Go for it. Get it.
I want us all to be whole, authentic, take good care of of ourselves and take charge of our lives. But in order to do that, we need to know who we are, at our core. One of the ways to know yourself is to know what your paradoxes are. What needs, dreams, and desires do you have that seem to be contradictory but are, in fact, just two different yet complementary desires? And just who, exactly, is saying you can’t possibly want or have both? Is it you? Are you standing in your own way?
Consider this an invitation to give yourself permission to really want everything you desire (instead of telling yourself you shouldn’t want this or that it’s impossible to have it all), so you get clearer on how to take care of yourself, how to set boundaries with others, and how to live a life that allows for your whole self to be in charge. Imagine how good that would feel
If you’d like support to discover your paradoxes (among many other things!) and how to take charge of yourself and your life, I am launching a new coaching program designed to help you know yourself, love yourself and live your right life. It starts soon and there are limited spots. If this sounds like something you want, email me for more details!